Let me grow lovely, growing old.
So many fine things do: laces and ivory and silks and gold;
And there’s healing in old trees; old streets a glamour hold.
Why may not I, as well as these, grow lovely growing old.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Fairy Tales
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The other day, I had been sitting talking with a friend about life and the curves it sends us. As a joke, she said, "Ugh... you're depressing. I'm depressed after talking to you."
Oops.
I don't mean to be depressing. Like everyone else, I am just trying to figure life out. Life isn't always a tea party... sometimes it's a storm in a cup.
I blame fairy tales for spinning their web of deceit in our youth. Some parents don't want their children playing with Barbie because of what she looks like. Personally, I have always like Barbie because there is nothing that girl cannot do! If you want to ban something, ban fairy tales. Snow White met her prince and they lived "happily ever after". Sleeping Beauty met her prince and they lived "happily ever after. Cinderella met her prince and they lived, you guessed it, "happily ever after". Talk about a fairytale... happily ever after... I am quite sure Cinderella would have had to pay for insurance and upkeep on her pumpkin coach. And imagine the housekeeping and maintenance on a castle... never ending!
Life doesn't always have a fairytale ending. I think our Western society believes everyone should have a happy ending. We tend not to cope with illness and death very well anymore... shocked when it happens; avoid it when we can.
Are we constantly thinking that happiness is just around the next corner? Think that and we might just be let down. We don't know what is around the next corner. Happiness should be within us, not coming from another source... another person, another experience.
I say this, as I look around dad's care home, and all those people are there alone. I say, you'd better like your own company, and be happy with yourself... because one day, if you are lucky enough, you are going to be spending a lot of time with your own company. Many people marry with the thought that they will grown old together. Maybe they will, and again, maybe they won't. Age, disease and senility take over, and it isn't always pretty.
Man! I AM depressing! This is a large note to myself as well. To forget the fairytale... that life is what you make it. No two lives are the same. Be happy within yourself, right now. Don't be waiting for someone to come along to make you happy, or an experience to bring about bliss.
Wow... expect big changes from me!
The other day, I had been sitting talking with a friend about life and the curves it sends us. As a joke, she said, "Ugh... you're depressing. I'm depressed after talking to you."
Oops.
I don't mean to be depressing. Like everyone else, I am just trying to figure life out. Life isn't always a tea party... sometimes it's a storm in a cup.
I blame fairy tales for spinning their web of deceit in our youth. Some parents don't want their children playing with Barbie because of what she looks like. Personally, I have always like Barbie because there is nothing that girl cannot do! If you want to ban something, ban fairy tales. Snow White met her prince and they lived "happily ever after". Sleeping Beauty met her prince and they lived "happily ever after. Cinderella met her prince and they lived, you guessed it, "happily ever after". Talk about a fairytale... happily ever after... I am quite sure Cinderella would have had to pay for insurance and upkeep on her pumpkin coach. And imagine the housekeeping and maintenance on a castle... never ending!
Life doesn't always have a fairytale ending. I think our Western society believes everyone should have a happy ending. We tend not to cope with illness and death very well anymore... shocked when it happens; avoid it when we can.
Are we constantly thinking that happiness is just around the next corner? Think that and we might just be let down. We don't know what is around the next corner. Happiness should be within us, not coming from another source... another person, another experience.
I say this, as I look around dad's care home, and all those people are there alone. I say, you'd better like your own company, and be happy with yourself... because one day, if you are lucky enough, you are going to be spending a lot of time with your own company. Many people marry with the thought that they will grown old together. Maybe they will, and again, maybe they won't. Age, disease and senility take over, and it isn't always pretty.
Man! I AM depressing! This is a large note to myself as well. To forget the fairytale... that life is what you make it. No two lives are the same. Be happy within yourself, right now. Don't be waiting for someone to come along to make you happy, or an experience to bring about bliss.
Wow... expect big changes from me!
Special Guests
Tuesday, December 8, 2011
Some special guests arrived this week by way of Tasmania. Dad's brother and sister-in-law flew up for a quick trip to welcome him back to Australia. When the three of us walked into the activity center on Monday afternoon, dad did not even bother to look at me... he was looking directly at his little brother. A few changes since they last saw each other ten years ago. Dad was exhausted by the end of the visit on the first day. On the second day, he was in better form. Stories remembered and laughs shared. His eyes were sparkling and there was a smile on his face... those days have been rare in the past three years. We are very thankful for the special visit... and look forward to more.
(PS... There were more special guests the previous week... dad's sister and brother-in-law. Unfortunately I missed them, but will catch up with them the next go around.)
Principal's Office
Monday, December 5, 2011
If the care home was a school... there is no doubt that I would find dad in the principal's office every other day. I am always slightly on edge walking into the home, as I don't know what dad has gotten up to that day. Walking in on Monday afternoon was no exception.
"Oh Donna. Your dad... ai-yi-yi."
Heart lurched once again. "What's up? Is he ok?"
"He's fine, I'll get the physio to talk to you."
By this point, I am standing at the interior door to dad's room, and I can see the glass door onto the balcony... my eyes focused on the spider web crack in the glass. Whaaaaat!?
A debrief from the physio revealed that they have been moving furniture around in his room. They have been trying to work the best combination with the bed to minimize him climbing out of it at night. It was moved so that one side of the bed is up against the wall. Therefore the large easy chair he was sitting in was moved against the glass. He has to be restrained in a chair at all times as he is not strong enough to walk around, yet he wants to take off. From what they can figure, he found the remote for the chair to tilt in backwards, and was trying to slip out from under the restraint. The pressure from the back of the chair cracked the glass!
Speaking to one of the workers there, she said to me that she had no doubt dad spent a lot of time in the principal's office when he was a boy. "He's naughty."
I looked at her and laughed, "He so is. Welcome to my world!" I then went on to tell her that for the past three years... dad has always been three steps ahead of me. I try to nip a problem off at the pass; he comes up from behind on a different course and causes more havoc. Every other day for the past three years, there has been some sort of drama. I feel vindicated to know that it wasn't me blowing it up into a drama!
She laughed and said that in her 10 years of working there, she has never seen property damage like that! Yep. That's my dad! She wanted to know if I was like that... up to no good! I told her that I tend to be honest and slightly nerdy... but that my two brothers tend towards the naughty! ;)
Boys!
If the care home was a school... there is no doubt that I would find dad in the principal's office every other day. I am always slightly on edge walking into the home, as I don't know what dad has gotten up to that day. Walking in on Monday afternoon was no exception.
"Oh Donna. Your dad... ai-yi-yi."
Heart lurched once again. "What's up? Is he ok?"
"He's fine, I'll get the physio to talk to you."
By this point, I am standing at the interior door to dad's room, and I can see the glass door onto the balcony... my eyes focused on the spider web crack in the glass. Whaaaaat!?
A debrief from the physio revealed that they have been moving furniture around in his room. They have been trying to work the best combination with the bed to minimize him climbing out of it at night. It was moved so that one side of the bed is up against the wall. Therefore the large easy chair he was sitting in was moved against the glass. He has to be restrained in a chair at all times as he is not strong enough to walk around, yet he wants to take off. From what they can figure, he found the remote for the chair to tilt in backwards, and was trying to slip out from under the restraint. The pressure from the back of the chair cracked the glass!
Speaking to one of the workers there, she said to me that she had no doubt dad spent a lot of time in the principal's office when he was a boy. "He's naughty."
I looked at her and laughed, "He so is. Welcome to my world!" I then went on to tell her that for the past three years... dad has always been three steps ahead of me. I try to nip a problem off at the pass; he comes up from behind on a different course and causes more havoc. Every other day for the past three years, there has been some sort of drama. I feel vindicated to know that it wasn't me blowing it up into a drama!
She laughed and said that in her 10 years of working there, she has never seen property damage like that! Yep. That's my dad! She wanted to know if I was like that... up to no good! I told her that I tend to be honest and slightly nerdy... but that my two brothers tend towards the naughty! ;)
Boys!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friends
Thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts/messages/emails regarding the third anniversary of mom's passing. I spend the day helping prepare for and celebrating my cousin's 13th birthday at the beach. Was a lovely day... one mom would have really enjoyed. Life goes on and we embrace each moment.
So many times in the past three years, I have been frustrated that I have not been able to give my undivided attention to my friends and their own needs. After all, isn't a real friend one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Life is not smooth for any of us. Everyone has to deal with family problems, work problems, health problems, relationship problems. I apologize to my friends for being greedy on the take end of a give and take relationship. I am very thankful for everything that has been done for me to ease the burden.
I have been reminded again this week that we are not the only ones facing obstacles in life. Earlier this year, my brother and a friend were on a motorcycle trip from Vancouver to Buenos Aires. Their trip was cut short in Peru when Murray discovered he had cancer, and had to fly back home to Australia for treatments, and a re-evaluation of life and lifestyle. Combining modern medicine with alternative therapies, holistic wellness and an organic diet, Murray is using every tool in his arsenal to fight back cancer. To learn more about Murray's story, go to the Murray McNab Healing Foundation.
Here's to having friends, and being a friend... friends are the icing on the cake of life! (It's late, I can't come up with a better analogy!)
So many times in the past three years, I have been frustrated that I have not been able to give my undivided attention to my friends and their own needs. After all, isn't a real friend one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Life is not smooth for any of us. Everyone has to deal with family problems, work problems, health problems, relationship problems. I apologize to my friends for being greedy on the take end of a give and take relationship. I am very thankful for everything that has been done for me to ease the burden.
I have been reminded again this week that we are not the only ones facing obstacles in life. Earlier this year, my brother and a friend were on a motorcycle trip from Vancouver to Buenos Aires. Their trip was cut short in Peru when Murray discovered he had cancer, and had to fly back home to Australia for treatments, and a re-evaluation of life and lifestyle. Combining modern medicine with alternative therapies, holistic wellness and an organic diet, Murray is using every tool in his arsenal to fight back cancer. To learn more about Murray's story, go to the Murray McNab Healing Foundation.
Here's to having friends, and being a friend... friends are the icing on the cake of life! (It's late, I can't come up with a better analogy!)
Friday, December 2, 2011
100th Blog Post
Friday, December 2, 2011
Today marks a few milestone's. It was three years ago today that mom passed away. It has been one month since we moved to Sydney. This blog numbers 100 blog posts (I may admit to padding the blog this week to make the 100th milestone today.) of How's Your Dad... when I began writing this blog, I had no idea where this story would lead. Certainly not down the rocky path that it did.
I had started this blog post about mom a while ago, and never finished it. I'm not sure it will ever be finished, as there are so many memories... and how to put into writing such a special relationship. It feels a bit silly to even try to put it into words. However, these are some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, so will share as a way of remembering her...
If I had been told at 15 that one day I would be best of friends with my mom, I would have rolled my eyes and responded, 'Yeah, whatever.' My favorite expression at the time was, 'I'm moving out when I'm 18.' I recall my brother intercepting the two of us chasing each other around the kitchen island. I have no idea what we were fighting about, I just know there was always a battle of wills. Mom told me the story of being out at the mall by herself and being pretty upset with me. A woman asked her what was wrong, and she told her she was struggling with her young daughter. The woman said to mom, 'You just wait. One day your daughter will be your best friend.' I wonder if mom responded, 'Yeah, whatever.' ?
Best friends we did become. I don't know exactly when it started. I do know we used to go out for coffee or shopping or such, and dad would always tease us as we walked out the door...'Oooo... mother-daughter bonding session.' More often than not, we'd try to sneak out to avoid hearing it!
I didn't move out at 18, but rather, at 31. Well, I did live on my own briefly in the middle there, and travelled as well. 31 was the age I officially moved out... despite the taunts of my friends, wondering if I would ever leave home. (I am sure my parents wondered as well!) I can say now that I do not regret spending that additional time at home. I got to spend precious time with my mom. We were both night owls... so there were many many late night, often giggly, conversations. Even after I moved out on my own... I would call mom for a late night giggle. I recall one episode where I was lying on my bed, sobbing in fits of laughter. I have no idea what it was about, just recall being in pain from laughing so hard. What a good feeling laughter is. Hanging out with mom just made you feel happy and lighter.
I am not sure how it came up in conversation... I think something along the lines of mom saying to me... "I don't like that shoo-whop-bop song. It's always playing in the store." To which I replied... "I KNOW! Same with me." The song is Big Yellow Taxi, originally performed by Joni Mitchell, but there have been several renditions. Barely a week went by where we didn't hear the words "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"... somewhere, in a store, car, doctor office... whenever we were out. Usually I would call her up as soon as I heard the song, and sing to her "shoo-whop-bop-bop." To which she would say, "Noooooooo!!!" It was so random, the number of times we would hear that single song. Must have been because the lyrics were so memorable that we would always notice that single tune. To this day, whenever I hear, "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"... I smile and remember all the laughs we had together over that song.
I am quite sure that that song came on when we were out together shopping one day. I started an impromptu dance in the middle of the aisle in the store, just to get her laughing. She said, "They have videos in this store, you know." To which I turned around and waved to the hidden camera. She disappeared down the next aisle, laughing and shaking her head all the while. That was life with mom... happy.
Two days before she passed away, mom was in the kitchen preparing lunch, and I was standing there chatting to her. (Surely, I had been helping her, I don't remember!) I will never forget her words... You need to go be with your dad, he feels left out sometimes." I remember sitting down next to dad on the couch, and looking through a magazine with him, chatting all the while (as I tend to do). Here he was missing out on my relationship as at the time, I didn't know how to handle his disease... and he was hard to communicate with. Mom had to point that out to me. A relationship with mom was easy and enjoyable... it must have been easier to be with her and deal with him at arms length. How that was about to all change...
Following mom's passing, I found out that she was getting ready for a visit to Australia with dad. I had no idea... she sometimes liked to do things in private and then announce at the last minute what her plans were. I have no doubt that it was an exploratory trip, as they had always wanted to retire in Australia, but dad's Parkinson's definitely cramped their style. If mom had known that we had moved to Australia without her, I know she would have said, 'Bummer.' Mom was always up for some fun... if I ever called her for coffee, she would say 'sure' before I finished the sentence.
There is no way these words can do justice to what mom meant to me. They feel trite and silly compared to all that mom gave us. She shaped our lives so deeply and completely... I can't make a pie without hearing her words of advice in every step of the process, I see her in my hand gestures, I remember her in conversations we had about dad... enabling me to carry on with him. A mother's unconditional love can never be replaced. In losing mom, we lost our biggest cheering squad. No one else will ever cheer louder, stronger for one of her own.
In the week before she passed away, another young family we knew lost their mother. I recall walking through the grocery store, talking to mom on my cell phone. (I had phone conversations with her everywhere.) We were talking about losing a mom, and I commented that I couldn't imagine losing a mom. Mom said that she still missed her own mother desperately, having lost her mom almost five years to the day of our conversation. That she missed her every day. I can relate to that now.
One of the things mom and I used to say after one of our hour-long conversations was, "I think we've covered everything, there's nothing left to say." Indeed, I do feel like we didn't leave anything left unsaid between us. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want one more conversation with her.
I can't believe we have had to live three years without her already. I can't believe I have to go through the rest of my life without a mom. I am thankful for the time I did have with her. Thankful that we made it through the terrible teen years to have an incredible relationship and friendship.
I miss her.
Today marks a few milestone's. It was three years ago today that mom passed away. It has been one month since we moved to Sydney. This blog numbers 100 blog posts (I may admit to padding the blog this week to make the 100th milestone today.) of How's Your Dad... when I began writing this blog, I had no idea where this story would lead. Certainly not down the rocky path that it did.
I had started this blog post about mom a while ago, and never finished it. I'm not sure it will ever be finished, as there are so many memories... and how to put into writing such a special relationship. It feels a bit silly to even try to put it into words. However, these are some of the thoughts that have been on my mind, so will share as a way of remembering her...
If I had been told at 15 that one day I would be best of friends with my mom, I would have rolled my eyes and responded, 'Yeah, whatever.' My favorite expression at the time was, 'I'm moving out when I'm 18.' I recall my brother intercepting the two of us chasing each other around the kitchen island. I have no idea what we were fighting about, I just know there was always a battle of wills. Mom told me the story of being out at the mall by herself and being pretty upset with me. A woman asked her what was wrong, and she told her she was struggling with her young daughter. The woman said to mom, 'You just wait. One day your daughter will be your best friend.' I wonder if mom responded, 'Yeah, whatever.' ?
Best friends we did become. I don't know exactly when it started. I do know we used to go out for coffee or shopping or such, and dad would always tease us as we walked out the door...'Oooo... mother-daughter bonding session.' More often than not, we'd try to sneak out to avoid hearing it!
I didn't move out at 18, but rather, at 31. Well, I did live on my own briefly in the middle there, and travelled as well. 31 was the age I officially moved out... despite the taunts of my friends, wondering if I would ever leave home. (I am sure my parents wondered as well!) I can say now that I do not regret spending that additional time at home. I got to spend precious time with my mom. We were both night owls... so there were many many late night, often giggly, conversations. Even after I moved out on my own... I would call mom for a late night giggle. I recall one episode where I was lying on my bed, sobbing in fits of laughter. I have no idea what it was about, just recall being in pain from laughing so hard. What a good feeling laughter is. Hanging out with mom just made you feel happy and lighter.
I am not sure how it came up in conversation... I think something along the lines of mom saying to me... "I don't like that shoo-whop-bop song. It's always playing in the store." To which I replied... "I KNOW! Same with me." The song is Big Yellow Taxi, originally performed by Joni Mitchell, but there have been several renditions. Barely a week went by where we didn't hear the words "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"... somewhere, in a store, car, doctor office... whenever we were out. Usually I would call her up as soon as I heard the song, and sing to her "shoo-whop-bop-bop." To which she would say, "Noooooooo!!!" It was so random, the number of times we would hear that single song. Must have been because the lyrics were so memorable that we would always notice that single tune. To this day, whenever I hear, "they paved paradise and put up a parking lot"... I smile and remember all the laughs we had together over that song.
I am quite sure that that song came on when we were out together shopping one day. I started an impromptu dance in the middle of the aisle in the store, just to get her laughing. She said, "They have videos in this store, you know." To which I turned around and waved to the hidden camera. She disappeared down the next aisle, laughing and shaking her head all the while. That was life with mom... happy.
Two days before she passed away, mom was in the kitchen preparing lunch, and I was standing there chatting to her. (Surely, I had been helping her, I don't remember!) I will never forget her words... You need to go be with your dad, he feels left out sometimes." I remember sitting down next to dad on the couch, and looking through a magazine with him, chatting all the while (as I tend to do). Here he was missing out on my relationship as at the time, I didn't know how to handle his disease... and he was hard to communicate with. Mom had to point that out to me. A relationship with mom was easy and enjoyable... it must have been easier to be with her and deal with him at arms length. How that was about to all change...
Following mom's passing, I found out that she was getting ready for a visit to Australia with dad. I had no idea... she sometimes liked to do things in private and then announce at the last minute what her plans were. I have no doubt that it was an exploratory trip, as they had always wanted to retire in Australia, but dad's Parkinson's definitely cramped their style. If mom had known that we had moved to Australia without her, I know she would have said, 'Bummer.' Mom was always up for some fun... if I ever called her for coffee, she would say 'sure' before I finished the sentence.
There is no way these words can do justice to what mom meant to me. They feel trite and silly compared to all that mom gave us. She shaped our lives so deeply and completely... I can't make a pie without hearing her words of advice in every step of the process, I see her in my hand gestures, I remember her in conversations we had about dad... enabling me to carry on with him. A mother's unconditional love can never be replaced. In losing mom, we lost our biggest cheering squad. No one else will ever cheer louder, stronger for one of her own.
In the week before she passed away, another young family we knew lost their mother. I recall walking through the grocery store, talking to mom on my cell phone. (I had phone conversations with her everywhere.) We were talking about losing a mom, and I commented that I couldn't imagine losing a mom. Mom said that she still missed her own mother desperately, having lost her mom almost five years to the day of our conversation. That she missed her every day. I can relate to that now.
One of the things mom and I used to say after one of our hour-long conversations was, "I think we've covered everything, there's nothing left to say." Indeed, I do feel like we didn't leave anything left unsaid between us. It doesn't mean I wouldn't want one more conversation with her.
I can't believe we have had to live three years without her already. I can't believe I have to go through the rest of my life without a mom. I am thankful for the time I did have with her. Thankful that we made it through the terrible teen years to have an incredible relationship and friendship.
I miss her.
Slow News Day
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Bit of a slow news day here... to comment on dad's overall health... he says his hip is not giving him too much pain. His words aren't as slurred as before, but I am still having a hard time understanding him Partly because his words are slurred, and partly because sometimes the things he says make no sense at all.
Today he made me smile though... as he has been studying the layout of the care home, and has determined it is the same layout of a hotel. For some reason this entertained me... for everything going on, he still has that part of his mind going... the part that observes and analyzes. I told him that once we get him settled into a place, I will put up some pictures we are shipping from BC, and other items to make it feel a little more personal. Protesting, he said he didn't want pictures, and calendars all over the place. I told him I would practice some restraint and promised he would not end up with a whole lot of clutter. He seemed to be happy with that.
Bit of a slow news day here... to comment on dad's overall health... he says his hip is not giving him too much pain. His words aren't as slurred as before, but I am still having a hard time understanding him Partly because his words are slurred, and partly because sometimes the things he says make no sense at all.
Today he made me smile though... as he has been studying the layout of the care home, and has determined it is the same layout of a hotel. For some reason this entertained me... for everything going on, he still has that part of his mind going... the part that observes and analyzes. I told him that once we get him settled into a place, I will put up some pictures we are shipping from BC, and other items to make it feel a little more personal. Protesting, he said he didn't want pictures, and calendars all over the place. I told him I would practice some restraint and promised he would not end up with a whole lot of clutter. He seemed to be happy with that.
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