There are books written on what to expect when you are expecting, and how to toilet train your dragon (or something like that). There are books written on raising teenagers, and other books written on coping with the loss of a parent. Where are the books on how to tell your parent that they probably will not be going back home?
I arrived at the hospital to find dad sitting up in a wheelchair - AWAKE! - and dressed. He said to me, "Have you come to take me home?" THUD... there's the sound of my heart dropping again. You would think I would be used to the sound by now... but each time, it's like the first time it has happened. What can you say to that... he has had a fall, he is not yet up and walking again, there will be weeks of physical therapy ahead, and he cannot live on his own again. All I said was, "Not today, you have to be able to get up and walk around."
Little does he know that his house has pretty much been emptied. You would think I would get some perverse joy out of it... moving him against his will, after all the times he moved me against my will!! The daughter of a builder; our family moved fairly often. Being one strongly opposed to change, I did not cope well with walking home from school only to see a 'For Sale' sign on our front lawn. I cried and cried and said that I was not moving, I would stay in the house with the new owners. Not wanting strangers to raise his daughter, dad promised a vanity in my room... complete with sink, mirrors and lights running down the sides. Oh yes... I got the full on movie star dressing corner in my bedroom. Spoiled? Perhaps. However, dad also clued into the fact that he had a teenaged daughter with two younger brothers. It did curb a lot of door pounding. I was free to French braid my hair, interuption free... or whatever it was I used to do in front of that mirror. I do know a curling iron was also involved!
I digress...
I think the best option at this point is to chicken out! I don't think he is ready to hear that his apartment has been cleaned out and is ready to go on the market. Don't get me wrong, he has been included in every step of the process. He has seen the furniture being moved out, boxes packed and knows what the next step is. Not that he is in agreement with it as there is nothing wrong with him, he wants to continue to live there! (His words, not mine!) I've done all I can to prepare him for the next step, I cannot make him accept it. So for now, I'm just going to wait. Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow!?
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Exhausted!
Considering a name change to Van Winkle... all dad seems to do is sleep, and all I want to do is sleep! Dad moved up to the 5th floor rehab facility yesterday. They have high hopes to rehabilitate him, but a little awkward when all he does is sleep. I spoke with the nurse this afternoon who echoed my concern about the amount of sleep he's been getting. His vital signs are all good, so it's possibly just a medication thing. We hope to get to the bottom of it tomorrow, as one cannot rehabilitate if all one does is sleep.
I've been asked about visits... I'm not sure what to say, as the visitors dad has had, have all come face to face with RIP Van Winkle. Pretty hard to visit with someone when they're sawing logs! To be sure, all the times I've been in lately, dad has been sleeping and I've not gotten to chat with him at all. It's pretty discouraging at this point. So hold on a little longer, and we'll see how it goes.
As for myself; at the moment, I'm getting the things done that need to be done, and then resting. Sleep is no longer a problem, fortunately. Hopefully we'll be all rested up soon... being a zombie isn't all it's cracked up to be!
I've been asked about visits... I'm not sure what to say, as the visitors dad has had, have all come face to face with RIP Van Winkle. Pretty hard to visit with someone when they're sawing logs! To be sure, all the times I've been in lately, dad has been sleeping and I've not gotten to chat with him at all. It's pretty discouraging at this point. So hold on a little longer, and we'll see how it goes.
As for myself; at the moment, I'm getting the things done that need to be done, and then resting. Sleep is no longer a problem, fortunately. Hopefully we'll be all rested up soon... being a zombie isn't all it's cracked up to be!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Progress Review
I've sat in many construction progress meetings to discuss coordination details, timelines, deadlines. Who knew this experience would come in handy when dealing with dad... as we indeed sat down today for a progress review. And just like a construction meeting, deadlines weren't quite being met. Though if everyone pulled together, and nothing else went wrong... the target date could be readjusted slightly and everyone would be happy. Today's update is that dad is slowly improving, now that they've got the meds straightened out. He was up on the platform today... not sure I understand what that is, but they've got him standing up at any rate. He's a few days behind what they had hoped him to be at in his progression... but the poor guy has had a few knocks, so we'll give him a break. It sounds like he'll be in the hospital, rehabilitating, till we leave.
Which means, I have to rebook flight tickets, postpone the movers, tweak some things here, adjust some things there. It's nice to have some breathing space, as I had been wondering how everything was going to be finished in such a short amount of time. There are people we want to see before we leave, and we can work that in to the new schedule. I had chosen a tight schedule from the time we found out dad was clear to go, as I wanted to leave before he had a fall. Well... he certainly squashed those plans like a bug. So on to Plan A, Revision 1. (We're not slipping onto Plan B yet. We're not even thinking about Plan B!)
On the recommendation of the social worker, this week is all about getting dad's apartment ready to sell. "It will give you something to do, to keep your mind off other things." Smart woman. Cleaning is my therapy... and you should see those tile floors sparkle! Again, I'm using humor to mask my sadness. Sadness at moving out the kitchen table where so many meals were shared with dad... and mom... and the rest of the family. Badgering and teasing one another, always with dad onto us to "keep it down." Lots of memories to sift through as I make the final push with clearing the place out. I know this was always the plan, certainly before dad even ended up in hospital, this was the path I was working on. Without him in the blue chair, keeping an eye on what I was throwing out, makes it all the more real.
I lamented as much to my brother, who was at dad's to pick up some things. "Yes Donna, it's a bit sad, but think of what you're going on to. You're going to Australia."
I'm going to Australia, yes, indeed. Somehow I've forgotten that in the midst of all this crazy. I am going to Australia. I will melt into a puddle in the middle of the beach when I finally get there. For now, there's a fridge that needs a good cleaning...
Living with Grief
Who knew grief and falling in love shared the same symptoms? I was reading October 2011 Vogue late last night and a book called Nine Symptoms was introduced in an article ... The book had surrealist Victorian pictures detailing the physical manifestations of falling in love: shortness of breath, heart-rate increase, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, weakness, fever, chills, delirium and euphoria.
It was a coincidence to read that, as I had just written the following paragraph, and had been trying to go to sleep, only to get up for a midnight snack and something to read.
"It bubbles away, just under the surface. Thick, sad, hot, angry, grief. It erupts into the pit of the stomach, a quivering, nervous jelly. It causes the hands to shake, clear up to the elbows. The head feels like it's been stuffed inside cotton batting, the outside world slightly muffled. The skin on the face is numb, slightly mottled in some places, hot pink in others. And today, a new symptom... painful cheekbones. I guess the skin can only take so much tension before it transfers elsewhere."
Apart from euphoria, the other symptoms of falling in love are also the symptoms of grief. Shortness of breath, heart-rate increase, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, weakness, fever, chills, delirium.
And such was my weekend; crashing down after the worry, fretting and telling of the story over and over. The body can only take so much, before it screams out for a break. Much needed R&R. But also too much time to think. And worry some more.
Also last night, after getting up for a midnight snack (what was I thinking, going to bed at 9pm... as if this night owl would go to sleep at 9am!), I logged back in to Facebook for some friendly company. And if I didn't find a lovely blog post by my friend, Michelle, sharing my experience on her blog, Every Little Thing; Knowing Me, Knowing You. I can't even explain how encouraged I was to read her supportive and kind words. It was just what I needed in the moment. Another reminder that we are all connected... and that words of encouragement multiply when shared. So thank you...
It was a coincidence to read that, as I had just written the following paragraph, and had been trying to go to sleep, only to get up for a midnight snack and something to read.
"It bubbles away, just under the surface. Thick, sad, hot, angry, grief. It erupts into the pit of the stomach, a quivering, nervous jelly. It causes the hands to shake, clear up to the elbows. The head feels like it's been stuffed inside cotton batting, the outside world slightly muffled. The skin on the face is numb, slightly mottled in some places, hot pink in others. And today, a new symptom... painful cheekbones. I guess the skin can only take so much tension before it transfers elsewhere."
Apart from euphoria, the other symptoms of falling in love are also the symptoms of grief. Shortness of breath, heart-rate increase, loss of appetite, sleeplessness, weakness, fever, chills, delirium.
And such was my weekend; crashing down after the worry, fretting and telling of the story over and over. The body can only take so much, before it screams out for a break. Much needed R&R. But also too much time to think. And worry some more.
Also last night, after getting up for a midnight snack (what was I thinking, going to bed at 9pm... as if this night owl would go to sleep at 9am!), I logged back in to Facebook for some friendly company. And if I didn't find a lovely blog post by my friend, Michelle, sharing my experience on her blog, Every Little Thing; Knowing Me, Knowing You. I can't even explain how encouraged I was to read her supportive and kind words. It was just what I needed in the moment. Another reminder that we are all connected... and that words of encouragement multiply when shared. So thank you...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Mister Sass
'Im wondering when you're going to stop talking.' This was dad's response to my question, asking if anything was wrong, or could I get him anything? This was when I went in this afternoon; he was sitting up in his chair, eyes open, alert. But he was not impressed!! (Though I do think he might just be feeling better!)
These days, the sun is hanging out lower in the sky. The green leaves we waited so long to see appear on the stick branches are beginning to take on a golden hue. There's that subtle chill in the air, as summer shifts to autumn. We've had a few blowly days, and some pretty nasty rain. I just know it's a prelude to what's to come... until at least April next year. (Vancouver... love your views and your people... your weather; not so much.) There's a panic in me that I won't get out of here in time, that I'll be rained in. Or worse... snowed in.
Then, I was in the grocery store uptown grabbing a few items, and on my way out... I noticed walkers lined up three deep at the exit, no doubt waiting for their cabs. (Is it me, or are there more seniors moving in every week!?) I thought to myself, "Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit... and keep going!" Certainly not going to find a prospective mate in these parts. (Not really interested in an "older gentleman", somehow!)
On the one hand, I am thankful for the extra time to say goodbye to people, and wrap things up. However, I am ready to go. Ready for new beginnings, new (younger) faces, new possibilities. So come on, dad, get strong, get strong... we've got places to be!
These days, the sun is hanging out lower in the sky. The green leaves we waited so long to see appear on the stick branches are beginning to take on a golden hue. There's that subtle chill in the air, as summer shifts to autumn. We've had a few blowly days, and some pretty nasty rain. I just know it's a prelude to what's to come... until at least April next year. (Vancouver... love your views and your people... your weather; not so much.) There's a panic in me that I won't get out of here in time, that I'll be rained in. Or worse... snowed in.
Then, I was in the grocery store uptown grabbing a few items, and on my way out... I noticed walkers lined up three deep at the exit, no doubt waiting for their cabs. (Is it me, or are there more seniors moving in every week!?) I thought to myself, "Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit... and keep going!" Certainly not going to find a prospective mate in these parts. (Not really interested in an "older gentleman", somehow!)
On the one hand, I am thankful for the extra time to say goodbye to people, and wrap things up. However, I am ready to go. Ready for new beginnings, new (younger) faces, new possibilities. So come on, dad, get strong, get strong... we've got places to be!
Mister Sandman
Thursday, September 22, 2011
I am sure my brother appreciated receiving email updates (from my iPhone, in bed) in the wee hours of the morning here. 1am... 'Haven't turned the lights out yet.' 2 am... 'I'm having a panic attack.' 3 am ... 'You won't be surprised to know that I am still awake.' 4 am ... 'Aaaand... still awake.' (Looking into a bright screen probably doesn't aid in the sleep department!!) That's the benefit of relatives and friends overseas... there's always someone to keep you company when you when you can't sleep. I was just so worked up after the week I've had, and couldn't talk myself out of it at 3 am.
One person who has no problems sleeping, is dad. The Sinemet itself, plus the mismanagement of the pills causes him to sleep. A lot. Whenever he gets assessed, I get asked, is the fatigue common? "Oh yes," I smile. Road trips when we were kids were interesting. Midafternoon, the yawning would start... windows were rolled down, vents turned on, the driving speed would decrease. Mom would say, "That's it. It's my turn to drive." Off to the edge of the road, to trade places. Dad would kind of loll out the driver's side, half a lazy smile on his face, strap himself into the passenger seat and out like a light. It was a common sight at home to see dad sleeping in the 'blue chair.' Yes, he does sleep more often now - with the disease and medication and boredom. But it's really nothing new!
I rushed to the hospital this morning ... mainly because I was starting to panic a bit about how dad was, especially after the previous two days. They had him up in his chair, and he was... you guessed it... sleeping. Lunch had been brought out and was sitting on the tray in front of him... I went to help him eat it... He'd been too weak and sleepy to feed himself since Monday. He'd taken a few bites and then I noticed he was out like a light... no rousing him. I said, 'Thats a bit rude don't you think? To fall asleep in the middle of your lunch?!'
The words of both my brother's are ringing through my head... 'Broken ribs are painful, Donna. You just want to lie around in bed and do nothing. Think of dad... he's old and he has a disease. And he has broken ribs. He just needs time.'
So the story at 8 pm from the nurses was, dad was a bit more alert and responsive today. Ok boys, I'm holding you to your theory!
I am sure my brother appreciated receiving email updates (from my iPhone, in bed) in the wee hours of the morning here. 1am... 'Haven't turned the lights out yet.' 2 am... 'I'm having a panic attack.' 3 am ... 'You won't be surprised to know that I am still awake.' 4 am ... 'Aaaand... still awake.' (Looking into a bright screen probably doesn't aid in the sleep department!!) That's the benefit of relatives and friends overseas... there's always someone to keep you company when you when you can't sleep. I was just so worked up after the week I've had, and couldn't talk myself out of it at 3 am.
One person who has no problems sleeping, is dad. The Sinemet itself, plus the mismanagement of the pills causes him to sleep. A lot. Whenever he gets assessed, I get asked, is the fatigue common? "Oh yes," I smile. Road trips when we were kids were interesting. Midafternoon, the yawning would start... windows were rolled down, vents turned on, the driving speed would decrease. Mom would say, "That's it. It's my turn to drive." Off to the edge of the road, to trade places. Dad would kind of loll out the driver's side, half a lazy smile on his face, strap himself into the passenger seat and out like a light. It was a common sight at home to see dad sleeping in the 'blue chair.' Yes, he does sleep more often now - with the disease and medication and boredom. But it's really nothing new!
I rushed to the hospital this morning ... mainly because I was starting to panic a bit about how dad was, especially after the previous two days. They had him up in his chair, and he was... you guessed it... sleeping. Lunch had been brought out and was sitting on the tray in front of him... I went to help him eat it... He'd been too weak and sleepy to feed himself since Monday. He'd taken a few bites and then I noticed he was out like a light... no rousing him. I said, 'Thats a bit rude don't you think? To fall asleep in the middle of your lunch?!'
The words of both my brother's are ringing through my head... 'Broken ribs are painful, Donna. You just want to lie around in bed and do nothing. Think of dad... he's old and he has a disease. And he has broken ribs. He just needs time.'
So the story at 8 pm from the nurses was, dad was a bit more alert and responsive today. Ok boys, I'm holding you to your theory!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
More Disappointment
I apologize for the delay in blog updates... there was to be a farewell party for us this Friday night; the venue was booked and all. Since our trip has been postponed, so was the party. However, my friend decided it would be the perfect foil as a surprise party for her husband's 40th! I am quite happy to celebrate in someone else's milestone! I just couldn't give up the secret on my blog in case he read it... hence the delay!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Attempting not to write with a hot head, but today, it's a bit hard. When the paramedics picked up dad on Sunday they asked for the medication containers so they could write down the medication times. I specifially told them EIGHT AM, TWELVE PM, FOUR PM AND EIGHT PM for the Sinemet. When I went back to the hospital on Monday, I handed the ER Overflow nurse the pill containers instructing her that his Parkinson's medication needs to be prescribed at EIGHT AM, TWELVE PM, FOUR PM AND EIGHT PM. She said that made sense and wrote it down on the charts. (Deja-vous?) When I left dad on Monday night, he was tired, but content. Seeing him Tuesday just about broke my heart, writhing around in the bed in utter agnoy. I forgot to double-check with the nurses about his Sinemet doses... but why would you... he's in the care of the hospital, right? Right.
I had a 1pm meeting today with the social worker... she was amazing. She said that the paperwork came across the desk and she saw that we wanted to move to Sydney, Australia. She said to herself... Right, I want to help this family! Having lived for 6 months in Brisbane herself, she said that she could understand the draw! She also said that she'd walked passed dad's room on her way to the bathroom before visiting us, saw me, and had a shock! Typically working with clients in their 50s and 60s, she couldn't believe how young I was. Yep! That's me! Always the youngest in the geriatric ward by a country mile!
We talked about dad and determined that we are going to have to delay the trip by at least a couple of weeks... this I can handle, as I cannot see straight to organize final details right now, so could use the extra time. The rush to get to Sydney was to get dad there before he had a fall, but clearly that has flown out the window now! I can handle a two week delay. I cannot handle a cancellation... which is what the nurse at the station was implying when we went back to talk to her. She even went on to say that she was greatly concerned about dad yesterday. Which wasn't the impression I got yesterday... she seemed to think he'd be ok. Give me a straight, honest answer people. I need to deal with the truth!
In our course of conversation, dad's Sinemet dose came up again. We went to look over the charts, and low and behold, if the pharmacy hasn't prescribed the SAME stupid dosing they prescribed from Sunday. Dad isn't getting the proper medication dosing times. They were giving him a dose at 8 am, and then not another dose until 2pm. That's SIX hours between doses. His entire Sinemet history from November 2003, he's been prescribed doses every 4 hours. Then he was getting another dose at 6pm, and a dose and half at bedtime, or something whacked like that. What do they say about Parkinson's patients and medication? Say it with me people, "ON TIME, EVERYTIME." Otherwise it can take days, and weeks to recover. So if you consider that dad missed his dosing on Saturday, then Sunday, then they tried to get it on track on Monday, screwed up Tuesday and now Wednesday... add in 3 broken ribs and a clavicle, and is it any wonder the poor man is suffering?
A geriatric nurse gave me some great advice when dad was in the hospital back in November 2009, "You need to be your family's advocate." And do you ever. I am all over them in the hospital now. I checked his doses when I was back at the hospital at 7pm, and I will be the nosy, irritating family member checking those charts every day. Yay! My obsessive traits finally work as a positive!
I asked my brother tonight if he thought dad was dying... see, there's that dark place that I just can't get away from! He tried to reassure me that dad should be ok... once the medication gets back on track, and he needs his rest to recover from his breaks and bruises. Dad has rebounded back before, I just have to have faith to believe that he's going to do it again.
We're now playing the waiting game, seeing what happens with dad's mobility. We have a progress meeting next week at the hospital. In the meantime, I have to continue to live with this wobbly bit of worry that resides in my lower tummy. After three years of it, you'd think I'd be used to it by now... but no.
So disappointing news for sure... our trip has to be postponed for at least two weeks, provided they can get dad standing up. Come on dad.... we're rooting on you and that stubborn streak working as a postive for you, too!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Attempting not to write with a hot head, but today, it's a bit hard. When the paramedics picked up dad on Sunday they asked for the medication containers so they could write down the medication times. I specifially told them EIGHT AM, TWELVE PM, FOUR PM AND EIGHT PM for the Sinemet. When I went back to the hospital on Monday, I handed the ER Overflow nurse the pill containers instructing her that his Parkinson's medication needs to be prescribed at EIGHT AM, TWELVE PM, FOUR PM AND EIGHT PM. She said that made sense and wrote it down on the charts. (Deja-vous?) When I left dad on Monday night, he was tired, but content. Seeing him Tuesday just about broke my heart, writhing around in the bed in utter agnoy. I forgot to double-check with the nurses about his Sinemet doses... but why would you... he's in the care of the hospital, right? Right.
I had a 1pm meeting today with the social worker... she was amazing. She said that the paperwork came across the desk and she saw that we wanted to move to Sydney, Australia. She said to herself... Right, I want to help this family! Having lived for 6 months in Brisbane herself, she said that she could understand the draw! She also said that she'd walked passed dad's room on her way to the bathroom before visiting us, saw me, and had a shock! Typically working with clients in their 50s and 60s, she couldn't believe how young I was. Yep! That's me! Always the youngest in the geriatric ward by a country mile!
We talked about dad and determined that we are going to have to delay the trip by at least a couple of weeks... this I can handle, as I cannot see straight to organize final details right now, so could use the extra time. The rush to get to Sydney was to get dad there before he had a fall, but clearly that has flown out the window now! I can handle a two week delay. I cannot handle a cancellation... which is what the nurse at the station was implying when we went back to talk to her. She even went on to say that she was greatly concerned about dad yesterday. Which wasn't the impression I got yesterday... she seemed to think he'd be ok. Give me a straight, honest answer people. I need to deal with the truth!
In our course of conversation, dad's Sinemet dose came up again. We went to look over the charts, and low and behold, if the pharmacy hasn't prescribed the SAME stupid dosing they prescribed from Sunday. Dad isn't getting the proper medication dosing times. They were giving him a dose at 8 am, and then not another dose until 2pm. That's SIX hours between doses. His entire Sinemet history from November 2003, he's been prescribed doses every 4 hours. Then he was getting another dose at 6pm, and a dose and half at bedtime, or something whacked like that. What do they say about Parkinson's patients and medication? Say it with me people, "ON TIME, EVERYTIME." Otherwise it can take days, and weeks to recover. So if you consider that dad missed his dosing on Saturday, then Sunday, then they tried to get it on track on Monday, screwed up Tuesday and now Wednesday... add in 3 broken ribs and a clavicle, and is it any wonder the poor man is suffering?
A geriatric nurse gave me some great advice when dad was in the hospital back in November 2009, "You need to be your family's advocate." And do you ever. I am all over them in the hospital now. I checked his doses when I was back at the hospital at 7pm, and I will be the nosy, irritating family member checking those charts every day. Yay! My obsessive traits finally work as a positive!
I asked my brother tonight if he thought dad was dying... see, there's that dark place that I just can't get away from! He tried to reassure me that dad should be ok... once the medication gets back on track, and he needs his rest to recover from his breaks and bruises. Dad has rebounded back before, I just have to have faith to believe that he's going to do it again.
We're now playing the waiting game, seeing what happens with dad's mobility. We have a progress meeting next week at the hospital. In the meantime, I have to continue to live with this wobbly bit of worry that resides in my lower tummy. After three years of it, you'd think I'd be used to it by now... but no.
So disappointing news for sure... our trip has to be postponed for at least two weeks, provided they can get dad standing up. Come on dad.... we're rooting on you and that stubborn streak working as a postive for you, too!!!
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