Happy 2013!

Up close and personal

 

Amoungst the agapanthus

We are keeping a close eye on the temperature here in Sydney today... it was 21C at 6am, 27.5C at 9am and now at 3pm, it's 40.3C.  (Not sure when you start adding the exact decimal point!)  The temperature is ok, as it's supposed to cool down again tomorrow.

I visited dad yesterday around dinner, and was surprised to see how well he looked.  He is back in his wheelchair, after sitting in the water chair since his fall in August, recovering from the fractured bone in his pelvis.  He was sitting at the table with his back to me, so I crept up behind him and covered his eyes.  No doubt to him as to who it was!  While he does know who I am... he was asking as to the whereabouts of his motorcycle.  Um... I asked him if he hadn't sold it a while ago!?  (2004... though he does not remember that.)

It was such a nice evening, and since he is back in his mobile wheelchair... we flitted off to the garden outside!  I thought to get a picture with my phone... nice that it's always handy, even though the quality is sometimes questionable!  We sat up to a table, and I said to him, "I can't believe how good you look, dad."  And his reply?  "Are you trying to do me in, are you?"  I could only put my head down on the table and laughed!

I had emailed the care home today and commented on how well dad was yesterday.  The return comment was that he had noticed dad is more chirpy as of late.  That's happy news indeed.

On the way out in the elevator, a woman noticed dad and commented that she had seen him trying to escape out of his wheelchair the day before.  Of course she did.  Ah... he must be feeling better!

Farewell to 2012

I cannot believe this is the last day of 2012.  Where has the year gone?  A fair bit has gone on this year... got dad settled into a care home, sold his place in Canada, got our Canadian affairs in order and opened up our Australian affairs, and I have gone back to get more schooling.  Hmmm... I guess things have been accomplished!

I have even caught myself making resolutions... when previously, my only resolve was not to make resolutions.  I have found myself looking forward to 2013 as a blank slate. From 2009 on, I faced each year with trepidation. I know that sounds negative, and the optimists out there would reel in horror. That first year we were grappling with losing mom, and had her affairs to settle.  Then there was the issue of dad's Parkinson's disease and the unknown.  In September 2009 was when we first noticed dad's dementia, though at the time we associated it with the medication and not the disease.  (Denial, it's not just a river in Egypt!)  With the steady decline of the Parkinson's, it always felt like I was trying to duct tape back the bottom of a wet paper bag. Last year,.. even with dad in care, there was still the care home to finalize, house in Canada to be sold, and other things to tie up. This is the first time in a long time that I am not filled with dread for the coming year.

I have just finished an excellent book called Adapt: Why Success Always Starts With Failure by Tim Harford.  He writes that accidents happen and that contingency plans would help.  When the bottom fell out of the Lehman Brothers bank, they didn't have a contingency plan.   Over four years ago, I remember saying to mom for one reason or another... 'Nothing better happen to you, and I'm left with dad... could you imagine?'  Can you imagine.  There was no contingency plan, because we didn't want to think the unthinkable.  A contingency plan is a course of action to follow when things don't follow the expected path.  I cannot help but think that if we sat down following dad's diagnose with Parkinson's disease, and discussed future possibilities... then each of us wouldn't have felt so alone in our situation.  (De Nile, it IS just a river in Egypt.) 

Well, you cannot go back and change the past, but you can learn from it.  While we may not have spoken about many things, we did touch on a few; one time I saw mom struggling to open a jar with her arthritic hands. I wondered aloud if it was my destiny to look after my parents. Mom very emphatically told me that no parent wants that for their child.  Two things I did know was that dad did not want to end up in a scary care home, and that my parents wanted me to live my own life and follow my dreams.  In the end, I think we got there!

As for "How's your dad" this week... I have been away on a bit of a break, but my brother went in to visit him yesterday.  Now for all of you who know my brother(s) know that he (they) have a bit of a seal bark for a cough.  My brother was explaining it to dad, and dad said that it sounded like bronchitis.  My brother said he could have saved himself a trip to the doctor!  Father knows best.

A special thank you to everyone for following this blog; for your messages of love and support throughout the year.  May you have the wheels set in motion for 2013 to be a great year, and a contingency plan to carry you through in case life happens.  Because life always happens!  Love from Donna and Company...

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

I've had a few questions about lack of blog updates.  Dad's condition remains steady; so thankfully no dramas! I have been trying to gauge exactly where he is at. In recent visits, we've wondered if his dementia is getting worse. He still recognizes us, but seems to be struggling more to communicate - both in speech and comprehension.  I was speaking with someone as to how to cope with the situation. I appreciated the advice I received - that while dad's body is no longer able to do what he once did, his spirit and essence is still there, and we can still connect to that.  Sometimes I understand how to make that connection, other times it's a struggle - particularly when he's falling asleep on me. His sense of humor is still there... and getting him to smile is quite rewarding.  He was king of one-liners, so if we remind him of that, he gives us a cheeky half-grin.

I've been surprised - not to mention overwhelmed - by the amount of mail still coming in for dad that requires my attention. I've not written much here recently because I've felt overwhelmed by life. Have often thought of the expression 'sink or swim'. Indeed, when you go for a swim in the surf here, you have to take on one wave after another. You can either panic with each wave that comes along, or you can relax and appreciate the power and fun that comes with each wave. Life is one rolling wave after another... it doesn't seem to stop!  In the middle of all of this, I made the decision to go back to school to upgrade my skills. I have been frustrated at lagging behind for a long time.
(Another thing I've learned is that you have to constantly educate yourself. Again... if you think of life as a series of waves, you need to hone your skills to stay afloat. Besides - it’s so rewarding to learn new things. That's one thing my dad taught me by example... have a sense of curiosity that leads you to learning new things.  Dad never finished high school, but he had such a wealth of knowledge on a broad range of topics.  If you ever wanted to know something, you asked dad!  Those were the days before Wikipedia!)

I digress... back to my story...  I initially took an intro design course, and now have to take a makeup course in order to enter the fast track diploma course in Feb. I love the work, but am worried I won't have enough time to do each assignment properly. Which brings me to the title of this post... how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.  I had similar advice when I embarked on the move overseas, which was very helpful but I seem to have forgotten it somewhere along the line. You can't eat an elephant all at once, but if you break it down into bite sized pieces... well, you might just surprise yourself!!

I think that's enough analogies for this post! We're here, we're coping, and I guess that's all anyone can ask for.

(Sydney weather update... 32C - overcast with a hot wind blowing.  Apparently this means cooler weather is on the way!?  Still learning about the weather patterns here!)

How IS Your Dad?

Oh dear, today is one of those days where I question my sensibility of having moved a sick father overseas.  It started with one letter in the mail, then another, then another.  All official documents requiring additional supporting documents of our move overseas.  Which requires a letter, and lengthy explanation of the situation, plus more photocopying and printing.  The poor old PoA papers are almost threadbare due to so much copying.  Groan.  I digress.

Hard to believe that we have clicked over our one year anniversary of moving here.  We have come along way, yet I feel so far from being settled.  I had a thought the other day that it has been easier to get dad settled than myself.  Having had put my life/studies/career on pause for the past few years... I am finding the pause button to be stuck!  Some days are better than others.  Today is not one of those days.  Again, I digress.

Tuesday last week was Melbourne Cup day.  I was trying to remember what I had done last year, as usually I watched the race online in Canada.  Surely, I thought, I wasn't that stressed out that I had forgotten what I did.  Then I remembered that we were in the air, en route to Sydney, on the first Tuesday of November last year.  Phew... not losing it quite yet!  The day prior, we had learned that dad's care home was putting on a barbeque in honor of the Melbourne Cup.  As it turned out, I was to pick up some Canadian delegates at the airport that Tuesday morning.  So we were able to drive straight to dad's place and have a good old fashioned Aussie barbie!  It was lovely to sit out on the patio in the breeze and visit... just like the old days!  A special thanks to our visitors for making a special stop over to come see us.

In the middle of all of this, I received an email from Aged Care online saying they had read my blog and wanted to interview me for a story on their website.  Here is the link to that story.  I must say... once I got off the phone from the interview, I felt like I had done a bit of rambling.  (Who? Me?)  What can I say... I wanted to download at a faster rate than what my mouth would let me!  Anyway, I hope our story might help others in a similar situation.
http://www.agedcareonline.com.au/news/82/15/Understanding-Aged-Care-How-is-your-Dad

Happy (Hot) Halloween

There is something scary in dad's neighborhood... a new bakery has opened up at the end of the street!  Neenish tarts, custard pies, lamington's, cupcakes, marble cakes, meringues... it's very dangerous.  It's hard not to pop in an grab a treat on the way to see dad!  Of course I couldn't resist this cute little cupcake for dad for Halloween!

Seems very strange to have Halloween in the heat! Though I have to admit it makes more sense for the little kids to run down the street in their cute little costumes without a big winter coat covering it up!  For Halloween in BC, it always seemed that the weather turned the week before, and one froze running down the street collecting trick or treats!  I remember one year - it was the 80s - one kid spiked his hair with gel - and his hair froze into icicles on his head... brrrrr!  Here in Sydney, the heat has rolled in this week.  No doubt it will cool down again in a couple of days, but for the past few days it has been hovering around 30C.  Trick or treating isn't very big in Australia, though from what I understand, it has gained momentum in the past few years.  I did see quite a few kids down the street calling out trick or treat... and I may have handed out a few treats myself!

Hard to believe that it was midnight on Halloween last year when we flew out of Vancouver, bound for Sydney!  It has stirred up a few emotions, to be sure.  Definitely missing our friends in Canada, but life here has settled into being something special as well.  Dad is content here and it feels like we have made the most of the situation.

Dad was doing really well yesterday.  We sat out on the back balcony with a lovely breeze blowing and I was able to talk to him a bit.  I asked if he needed anything, or if he wanted to do anything.  He said he'd like to get out and explore a bit, if only he had a bit more oompf!  He is still sitting in the water chair as it is more comfortable while he is hanging out at the care home!  We will have to call ahead to get him transferred to his wheelchair if we want to take him out.  Will have to organize something soon... we have been waiting for his pelvic bone to heal up.  Seems it has healed nicely; he isn't in any pain anymore, which is a relief.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe Halloween!  May you be enjoying chocolates and treats no matter what your age!

Observations

I promised myself after the last post that I wouldn't get all sappy any more.  However... I had a couple of thoughts that I just could not keep to myself!

When I went to visit dad tonight, it was the first time that I felt like he did not need me.  (Or was it that I did not need him?)  I can see he is more settled and content.  It is not like he isn't going to need me in the future, should there be another fall or such... but I really hope we are on a flat bit of road for a while!  Here is hoping those words don't come back to haunt me... but I think the both of us are due some reprieve.

I looked at dad sitting in his chair at the dinner table and was momentarily saddened that he was on his own; that mom wasn't there at his side to be a comfort to him.  In life, people are always looking for their soul mate to grow old with.  The reality is, someone has to continue on the journey on their own.  Most everyone in dad's care home are there alone.  My thought was this... you really do have to like who you are and enjoy your own company.  Anything else is icing on the cake.  My other thought is that life is precious.  When you have as many days behind you as you have before you, you find yourself not wanting to waste precious time.  I think of all the time I put in at jobs I didn't like, thinking I had time to squander.  I can't change that now, but definitely want to make better choices in the future.

Best let this be all for now.  To quote the wise words of someone I know, "Do you think that maybe you have too much time to think?"

Canadian Thanksgiving

Sometimes I wonder - actually, most of the time! -  I wonder about my need for oversharing!  This post feels very personal... yet I have always tried to be honest, and hope that this is coming from an honest place.  I was thinking today that despite this tough experience, there has been much personal growth... and would I change the experience if I could?

I had a moment of insight yesterday that I wanted to share.  I was speaking with a friend about her little boy.  She had said that he fell ill while in the care of a family member who loved him as their own and he was being well cared for.  However, she felt compelled to be there with him to comfort and reassure him while he was feeling so poorly.  I looked at her, paused and said, "That is exactly how I feel with dad."  We spoke a about female instinct and how others looking on may not understand it.  I am sure people look on me and wonder why I feel compelled to visit dad so often when he is in a care home and well looked after.  Yet there is something within me that wants to be there to reassure him and tell him it will be ok.  Over and over again.  I realize I cannot be there all the time to help him, of course that's not healthy.  It is about finding the balance in life so that I have my own interests, but that I can be there for him as well.

I had a nice visit with dad tonight... talking about girders, joists and beams!  (Will have to brush up on the rest of my construction vocab to continue the conversation!)  I am not sure why he has it in his head that he is only there temporarily and has overstayed his welcome... there's that need of reassurance from me!  He said to me tonight that he was sad to have to be moving on, as he really enjoyed it there.  I reassured him that he indeed did not have to move on, but that that was his home now.  But wait... what was the end of that sentence?  He was really enjoying living there?  I cannot tell you how happy that made me feel.  All the blood, sweat and tears involved to get him there was worth it.  In low moments, I questioned myself on such an undertaking.  It's such a relief to know that he is happy there.

I must confess that am having first little bout of homesickness at the thought of everyone in Canada getting together this holiday weekend for mounds of turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes.  I have lots of special memories of Thanksgiving meals shared with so many fabulous friends.  I wonder though, if it has anything to do with the fact that Thanksgiving is the last holiday we shared with mom.  Four years on, already.  I remember that meal so well, us girls sitting around the table, having a good old chin wag.  Maybe that is why turkey dinner is my favorite... not so much for the food... as for what it represents... friends, family and laughter.  So here's wishing all my fabulous Canadian friends a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. To special memories... and special times still to come!  xo