We have had a long stretch of lovely sunshine... but the rain hit overnight. I must say, as a transplanted Vancouverite, I was a tiny bit happy to hear the rain. I mean, I did not know what to do with all the sunshine - I don't know how to be that happy! Funny thing, when it started last night, at first I didn't know what the noise was! I had a laugh when I realized it was rain.
April showers do not bring May flowers... at least not in the Southern Hemisphere. I still haven't gotten used to the backwards seasons. It used to be that once March hit, you would be looking forward to the longer days. In Australia, we've been enjoying long days for a very long time, or so it feels like. However, the clocks get set back on Sunday, so it's a return to short days for us. Life down under truly is upside down!
I think it was seasons that confused dad the most. I cannot remember how many times I had to correct him on the time of day. Especially in Vancouver where the sky is still light out till 10pm in the middle of the year. He couldn't figure out why the sun wasn't setting. Even when mom was still alive... I recall one night in the summer where her and I came home to find a cereal bowl in the sink. Dad had woken up in his chair, looked at the time, thought it was morning, so had a bowl of cereal. When we arrived back, we confused him. I remember him sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, saying that it must be the next part of the disease. Looking back, you can see the dementia was evident even five years ago. We didn't really have a clue; thought it was connected to missing pills, or antibiotics he had to take at one point. Perhaps it would be easiest for dementia patients to live at the equator where the days are equal every day!
Five years later, dad doesn't know which day of the week it is. He hardly knows what time of day it is. What he does know is who we are. I may have mentioned this already... but he is making new memories, which is quite amazing. He knows my brother is married, but doesn't quite have the right name. He said to me the other day, L. is married, isn't he? Why yes, he is! As my brother likes to put it, maybe as time goes by, the memory moves out of his short term memory and into his long term memory and then he remembers it. Ah, he's a funny one, my brother.
As for how dad is on the whole... he has been doing a lot of sleeping the last couple of times I've been to see him. I've been trying to take something to do or read, so that I can just be there with him, even if we can't talk. I've been trying to hold his hand, or give him a cuddle just to let him know we care. He has reached out to both my brother and I when we have told him we were leaving, for a hug and a kiss. In writing this now, it feels like some of our fight has left us and there is acceptance with his disease. There is peace in that, and a certain happiness as well. It's hard to explain. Certainly I am sad to see my dad in such a state, and not able to enjoy life to the fullest. I'm thankful we can have this time together, and that he still knows who we are and is still able to show us he loves us, as we are to him.
I know people have their opinions on how I should be living my life. It is a tough one, to find the life/work balance. No, I am not a mother; I do not have kids I am responsible for. However, I am a daughter and have a father I am responsible for. I feel that I cannot work in the traditional full-time capacity... I would not get to see dad through the week... he goes to sleep at six! Like a parent would feel; I don't want to miss precious time with him. People understand when mothers say they want to be with their children. It is much harder to explain to people that I don't want to be so busy that I can't see my dad. Yes, he is in a care home and getting good care. A care home can provide the basic needs in life, but life is more than basic needs. It's about love, and having people who understand you, who support you and are there for you. I want to be able to see dad every few days, and to spend a quantity of time with him every so often. If it makes it that much harder, and takes that much longer for me to figure my life out, then so be it. Each of us makes decisions based on what is best for us. Everyone has their thing; everyone is facing some sort of difficulty in their lives. I am sure we've all learned by now that life is usually a little messy. Our friends and family understand that and support us and nothing else really matters.
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