Sadness

July 2001

Last night my brother returned my stock pots and left them at the front entrance.  As I was taking my shoes off, I noticed that they were blocking the route to the door.  I had the thought that I should move them as they blocked access in case of fire.  At that moment, a great wave of sadness washed over me, as I realised that was a thought that dad had drilled into my head, and he no longer understands to look out for me.  Wherever I lived, he always worried about an escape route in case of a fire and I would have to explain my plan to him.  He always made sure I understood not to leave candles burning, or electrical appliances on when I left the house.  (Perhaps he was slightly paranoid, but I think he came across some fire cases when he was a builder and knew how easily something could happen.)  He also reminded me to drive with extra caution in the rain after a dry spell as the roads could be slick.  Or inquired after the oil levels in my car... because he knew it wasn't high on my levels of interest.  All those things a dad looks out for for his children... now I will just have to listen to the words of advice he has imprinted on my brain.

There has been a shift in dad's condition.  He had been slowing down a bit... and at the beginning of last week I noticed a significant change.  By the end of that week, he was sleeping most of the time and very difficult to arouse.  Upon inquiry, I was informed that he had been put on a patch for pain management.  Indeed, when I spoke to him last Saturday night when he finally woke up, he managed to explain that he had pain in his spine and hips.  He has had the back pain since he had the accident on the job site back in April 1996... with the combination of osteoarthritis and sitting all day, the pain must be continuous.

I have been trying to see him most days now.  If I miss a day, I am slightly worried over what I have missed.  When I do visit now, there's a lump in my throat.  During yesterday's visit, he slept most of the time.  When he is awake, he is still taking in everything around him, and still smiling when he understands something funny.

And yes, I had to relocate the pots out of the way last night.  I am my father's daughter, after all.