Observations

I promised myself after the last post that I wouldn't get all sappy any more.  However... I had a couple of thoughts that I just could not keep to myself!

When I went to visit dad tonight, it was the first time that I felt like he did not need me.  (Or was it that I did not need him?)  I can see he is more settled and content.  It is not like he isn't going to need me in the future, should there be another fall or such... but I really hope we are on a flat bit of road for a while!  Here is hoping those words don't come back to haunt me... but I think the both of us are due some reprieve.

I looked at dad sitting in his chair at the dinner table and was momentarily saddened that he was on his own; that mom wasn't there at his side to be a comfort to him.  In life, people are always looking for their soul mate to grow old with.  The reality is, someone has to continue on the journey on their own.  Most everyone in dad's care home are there alone.  My thought was this... you really do have to like who you are and enjoy your own company.  Anything else is icing on the cake.  My other thought is that life is precious.  When you have as many days behind you as you have before you, you find yourself not wanting to waste precious time.  I think of all the time I put in at jobs I didn't like, thinking I had time to squander.  I can't change that now, but definitely want to make better choices in the future.

Best let this be all for now.  To quote the wise words of someone I know, "Do you think that maybe you have too much time to think?"

Canadian Thanksgiving

Sometimes I wonder - actually, most of the time! -  I wonder about my need for oversharing!  This post feels very personal... yet I have always tried to be honest, and hope that this is coming from an honest place.  I was thinking today that despite this tough experience, there has been much personal growth... and would I change the experience if I could?

I had a moment of insight yesterday that I wanted to share.  I was speaking with a friend about her little boy.  She had said that he fell ill while in the care of a family member who loved him as their own and he was being well cared for.  However, she felt compelled to be there with him to comfort and reassure him while he was feeling so poorly.  I looked at her, paused and said, "That is exactly how I feel with dad."  We spoke a about female instinct and how others looking on may not understand it.  I am sure people look on me and wonder why I feel compelled to visit dad so often when he is in a care home and well looked after.  Yet there is something within me that wants to be there to reassure him and tell him it will be ok.  Over and over again.  I realize I cannot be there all the time to help him, of course that's not healthy.  It is about finding the balance in life so that I have my own interests, but that I can be there for him as well.

I had a nice visit with dad tonight... talking about girders, joists and beams!  (Will have to brush up on the rest of my construction vocab to continue the conversation!)  I am not sure why he has it in his head that he is only there temporarily and has overstayed his welcome... there's that need of reassurance from me!  He said to me tonight that he was sad to have to be moving on, as he really enjoyed it there.  I reassured him that he indeed did not have to move on, but that that was his home now.  But wait... what was the end of that sentence?  He was really enjoying living there?  I cannot tell you how happy that made me feel.  All the blood, sweat and tears involved to get him there was worth it.  In low moments, I questioned myself on such an undertaking.  It's such a relief to know that he is happy there.

I must confess that am having first little bout of homesickness at the thought of everyone in Canada getting together this holiday weekend for mounds of turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes.  I have lots of special memories of Thanksgiving meals shared with so many fabulous friends.  I wonder though, if it has anything to do with the fact that Thanksgiving is the last holiday we shared with mom.  Four years on, already.  I remember that meal so well, us girls sitting around the table, having a good old chin wag.  Maybe that is why turkey dinner is my favorite... not so much for the food... as for what it represents... friends, family and laughter.  So here's wishing all my fabulous Canadian friends a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. To special memories... and special times still to come!  xo

Happenings

Donate at shakeitup.org.au

Trent with the kids from Team Fox Australia

Another update on what is happening in our part of the world.  I mentioned in the last post that I was going to get up bright and early to join up with some others on the last leg of Trent's Tanaka Walk.  We were to meet at 7.30 in Kirribilli and walk across the Harbour Bridge and into Martin Place.  What ensued was rather entertaining.  The media was waiting in Martin Place for Trent, so he took off half an hour earlier than planned.  Fortunately, I met up with some of the people from the Shake It Up Foundation so I wasn't left entirely in the dark.  Because of some mixed communications, we ended up running across half of Sydney, looking for him.  In the end, we did end up meeting up with the rest and congratulated Trent on a job well done!  Amazing to walk from Brisbane to Sydney in 28 days to raise awareness and funds for Parkinson's and depression.

Mr. Dad is recovering ever so slowly.   I keep getting asked this question, so I am going to repeat myself!   I may have answered this question here before, but bear with me...  Dad has dementia, yes.  He does not remember what he had for lunch, or what day, week, month, year it is.  However, he recognizes people.  I walked into the activity room the other day, and saw the look of recognition on his face.  I waved to him and he waved back.  I cannot tell you how thankful I am that he knows who I am and even if he has a hard time talking, we can still communicate.  There was a singer there to entertain the group.  She was singing songs from old musicals and I had no idea what they were.  I asked dad if he knew the songs and he shrugged his shoulders.  For her last song, she sand Que Sera, Sera.  I jokingly turned to dad and asked if he knew that song.  He gave me a look and rolled his eyes into the back of his head, which caused me to burst into a fit of laughter and in turn made him smile.  Ah dad, just when you wonder what is going on in that brain of his, he turns it on you to let you know that you are the dopey one!

In other news, I have taken the first step in expanding my education.  You may or may not know I used to design swimming pools.  (Side note: reading dad's building plans as a kid was the reason I got into drafting.  I didn't have the attention span - or brains - to be an architect.)While I loved my work; over the years I noticed my attention span decreasing and got bored of sitting behind the computer for long periods of time.  So drafting on a computer all day long probably is not my best option!  I am taking an intro to color and design course to explore my options.  All is not lost; I hope to build on my drafting and construction background.  Am excited to see where the next steps take me.  Plus it gives me something to talk about besides my dad all the time!  (And it gives me something to talk to him when I see him! ;)

There's still time to donate to Trent's cause to benefit Parkinson's and depression at http://www.mycause.com.au/mycause/raise_money/fundraise.php?id=53994