Slightly Settled

(Tuesday, August 30/11)

What a difference a night's sleep makes! The night before, I didn't get to sleep till after 1.30 am, was woken by a nightmare a couple of hours later (one of those nightmares where you can't talk, can't move), and then by construction noise at 6.30 in the morning! I got up feeling pretty wrecked, and then went through the whole thing with dad, as described yesterday.


Today, I feel rested, and have had a chance to think. Dad says he's feeling panicked about the move, as am I. There's still so much to do, plus there's a big holiday Monday coming up that pushes things back a bit. I think the best compromise is to move the date back by one week. I can't risk leaving dad on his own any longer... I would hate for him to have a major fall that he might not return home from, and then we'd never get to move. As it is, I'm sitting on pins and needles, and will be until we're in the air!

(Later on in the day...)

Lives changed forever at 2.50pm when I booked our one way tickets to Sydney. Yes. Booked. All that thought, analyzing, planning... sorted in one short phone call to Air Canada. An aisle seat and a middle seat, not too far from the loo, handicap accessibility requested for planing and deplaning. We're all set!

I got off the phone and promptly started bawling. What is wrong with me? I guess all that emotion has to go somewhere.

Of course I still wasn't settled after making the decision and confirming it. Oh no. Now I was guessing myself for the millionth time. Finally, I said to myself... it's the right decision. It's done. At the end of the day, you want dad in a care home where he can sit and listen to the birdsong in the trees, and feel warmth. (He certainly isn't getting that here.) Then I remembered him coming and asking for help to button up his shirt this afternoon, and know that it's time. It's time for more care than I can now give him.

And the tears flow again.

It's been like this all afternoon. Even thoughts of saying good bye to friends. Or hello to more friends. It sets me off again; standing at the kitchen sink, bawling.

In the words of my brother when I told him what was going on - "Yer weird." (Nothing like a little brotherly love to set you straight again!)